Typical Mother-Daughter Relationship Difficulties
Human relationships are complex. Sometimes, life hits us hard, and we push those we love away. Life can even strain the most significant of bonds, and the mother-daughter relationship is no exception.
From time to time, differences between a daughter and mother can be irreconcilable. Other times, patience, compassion, self-awareness, and committed action can help heal, strengthen and repair a ruptured mother-daughter relationship.
What are the common issues in mother-daughter relationships?
Growing up & Separating
Tensions can heighten as the daughter grows from a child to an adult. For mothers, this transition can be challenging as it requires the parent to stand down from their role as a mother, which may feel the parent feel lost and without purpose. It may be hard for the mother to accept their daughter is independent and does not need them for support as much as they used to. Regardless of how difficult these feelings are, the mother should let their daughter be their own unique individual.
Furthermore, a daughter may struggle with how much support she wants from her mother. She may wish for some parental support and, contrarily, want total autonomy as well. This is a natural and normal part of the separation process, which entails the physical separation of mothers and daughters and the necessity for daughters to separate emotionally.
Separation occurs when both daughter and mother recognise themselves as two different people. Both have separate identities, and separation happens through various stages for both parties. Conflicts and disagreements typically occur as the child and mother separate over time. This typically is resolved when both parties practice acceptance and create a healthy distance from one another.
2. Mother and Daughter as Friends
Although it is not uncommon for daughters and mothers to see their relationship as a friendship, when a line is crossed between them and poor boundaries are exercised, then enmeshment can occur.
Enmeshment often happens on an emotional level in which both parties "feel" each other's emotions. Or when one person becomes emotionally heightened, the other family member does too. An excellent example of this is when a teenage daughter becomes depressed and anxious, and their mother, in turn, gets fearful and low. When they are enmeshed, the mother cannot separate their emotional experience from their daughter's.
Even though they both may feel that they have clear personal boundaries with one another.
Enmeshment between a parent and child often results in over-involvement in each other's lives, making it difficult for the daughter to become developmentally independent and responsible for their own choices. Enmeshment also holds the mother back from recognising their own needs, wants, and wishes too.
3. Lack of Boundaries
Sometimes, mothers can find it hard to trust their daughter's life choices as they enter adulthood which may result in the parent undermining, interfering, or ridiculing their child. This behaviour is often unconscious and not in the mother's awareness. The root of the problem stems from the mother's desire to make everything perfect for their daughter and to 'fix' their daughter, which can lead to the child becoming unconfident in themselves. It can also cause long-standing issues and resentment in the relationship if the mother doesn't change their behaviour.
4. Familial Roles
When families are dysfunctional, it is common for the children to be given roles in early childhood to manage disorders within the family, such as drug or alcohol addiction. These roles, such as 'Scapegoat' or 'Golden Child' and continue into adulthood which often causes resentment and conflict between mother and daughter and the other siblings in the family. Grown-up daughters might only become aware of this imbalance later in life, leading to friction between the mother and daughter.
Commonly these types of issues stem from the generational gap between mothers and daughters and the role of women in society. Historically, society expected the daughter to walk in her mother's footsteps. This is no longer the case. Mothers can see their daughters enjoying the freedom they never had, which can evoke feelings of anger, grief, and loss over the lack of freedom and independence they wanted in their life.
5: Co-Dependency
In some cases, mothers rely on their daughters for psychological, emotional, and support. They may use their daughter as their crutch and place too many demands on them, which can leave their daughter feeling overwhelmed, stressed, guilty or anxious. The mother may put their daughter into the role of the caretaker. This dependency can leave a daughter feeling responsible for her mother, which can lead to co-dependency. On the other hand, the daughter may distance themselves from their mother to avoid being overburdened.
How can I improve my relationship with my daughter?
As a mother, having conflict with your daughter could be weighing on your heart. However, there are many ways to improve your mother-daughter bond and open up space so your daughter feels more at ease with becoming closer to you.
Be open-minded
Being heard, seen, and accepted is one of our greatest relationship needs. So when your daughter shares stories or their wishes with you, aim to be non-judgemental. Listen intently, ask questions and let her educate you on her experience. If she expresses her feelings, validate them. Emotional validation is the cornerstone of every strong mother-daughter relationship.
Support her
As often as possible, take your daughter's side. This can strengthen any mother-daughter relationship as, over time, your daughter will learn to trust and lean on you. In a World that can often be unforgiving, your daughter can feel assured that you will have her back in tough times.
Reflective Listening
Practicing reflective listening involves paying special attention to your daughter's words and feelings wholeheartedly. Reflective listening is also about being emotionally available and attuned to what your daughter is saying. By reflecting back what your daughter has told you, you are demonstrating that you care about them.
Give her space
Deepening any relationship also requires giving space. If you and your daughter are constantly together, you may become unable to appreciate time together. Depending on your relationship, taking a few days or weeks or two off from seeing or talking with each other can assist you in making the time you reconnect even better.
When do you seek mother-daughter counselling?
You can see a counsellor individually or together to mend the relationship issues. Even if one of the two parties doesn't attend therapy, the effects of the therapy will benefit you both.
It is recommended to go to therapy if any of the following issues are occurring.
· When you feel judgements and resentments have taken over the relationship
· When there is a history of addiction or abuse in the relationship
· When there is anger and hostility in daily interactions
· You feel that you have drifted apart and want to grow closer again
· The relationship has broken down
Our qualified online counsellors can help you create a more meaningful bond with your daughter. What are you waiting for?