How To Let Go Of A Grudge

Woman ruminates about grudge against partner

Who hasn't been harmed by another's actions or words? Perhaps you were repeatedly chastised by your parents as a child, a coworker sabotaged a project, or your partner had an affair. Maybe you've been through a horrific event, such as being physically or emotionally assaulted by a family member.

These wounds can leave you feeling enraged, resentful, and even vengeful for a long time.

What is a Grudge?

When you hold a grudge against someone, you harbour anger, hatred, resentment, or other bad feelings long after they have wounded you. Usually, it's in retaliation for something that has already happened; nevertheless, a grudge might arise just from the perception that someone is against you or intends to harm you—whether or not they do so. Grudges are frequently accompanied by recurrent ruminations about the person or incident at the core of your hatred.

If you're still angry after a triggering event, you may be holding on to negative emotions for far too long, sometimes long after others would have let them go. You may recall several previous unpleasant deeds and relive those memories every time you think about or contact that person—expressing your disapproval loudly or hiding your genuine sentiments. You may be carrying a grudge on purpose, but you may not even be aware of it.

Why is it so easy to hold a grudge against someone?

Anger, anguish, and bewilderment might arise when you are injured by someone you love and trust. Grudges of hatred, revenge and hate can grow if you linger on painful events or situations. If you allow your bitterness or sense of unfairness to overpower your positive thoughts, you may be eaten up by them.

Some people are more forgiving by nature than others. Even if you hold a grudge, practically anyone can improve their skills in forgiveness.

Steps for Letting Go

Grudges take time to form and letting them go is a lengthy process. You can do these steps on your own or with the support of a therapist.

1. Acknowledgment

Determine what it is that is prompting you to harbour a grudge. To fix a problem, you must first understand it. When you perceive the actual situation, you may choose how to go from there. You were indeed wronged. It's a good start to write down what happened and how it made you feel, whether in a notebook or a letter you'll never send to the person who caused your rage.

2. Communicate

Grudges form when matters go unaddressed, so it's essential to express your thoughts about the subject. Consider whether you want to work through your feelings or discuss them with others. When doing this, it's essential to approach the other person without anger or hatred. You can try to speak to them about what they have done to cause this feeling or what steps you can take to ensure it doesn't happen again.

3. See both Sides

Try to put yourself in the other person's shoes to understand their point of view better. It will be simpler to let go of a grudge if you have a better experience of the individual against whom you have a grievance. It becomes more challenging to forgive and move on the longer we hold a grudge. You could also try communicating to the other person what caused you to have a grievance; this would allow them to see things from your perspective and settle the situation faster.

4. Accept The Situation

Instead of stewing in your resentment, choose to cope and manage anger it for what it is. You can create your healing without waiting for the other side to apologise. After doing this, it becomes easier not to look back once you've decided to let go of your grudge. Please don't spend too much time thinking about the situation or discussing it with others. Holding onto a grudge will only make it more challenging to let go. If the topic comes up again in conversation, swiftly change the subject and put it out of your mind.

6. Stay Positive

Rather than clinging onto resentment, look at this as a good lesson that will help you better understand yourself. There is a bright side to every unfavourable circumstance. There are times when you might feel bogged down by the constant resentment you might feel for others but allow yourself to stay positive despite their actions being a powerful tool. It might be a daunting task, but you can start by just smiling in the face of resentment, and you'll start to feel better.

7. Choose To Forgive

Choosing to forgive does not imply that you will forget. It's simply admitting that no one is flawless and that everyone makes errors. It's not easy to forgive, especially if you've experienced a lot of grief, but it's the only way to find true peace.

When to seek Professional Help

Holding grudges can have adverse effects on your mental and physical health. Most importantly, repressing your anger will only make you feel angrier.

Holding on to an unpleasant event instead of embracing and moving on or finding an acceptable settlement might trap you in a cycle of anger, bitterness, depression, emptiness, or enragement.

Consider seeking help from a mental health professional if you fear your grudge is out of control or is negatively affecting your life or relationships. A anger management expert can help you figure out if you have an underlying mental health illness that needs to be treated. They can also employ a form of in-person or online anger management therapy that would provide steps to letting go of a grudge and finally forgiving another.

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Tips for Coping with Grief